Tag Archives: Humor

The Day My Mom Told Off the Police Chief

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My new weekly column entitled, “The Day My Mom Told Off the Police Chief,”can be read by clicking here.

If you have an iPhone or iPad, you can perhaps read it better by using the Chrome browser rather than Safari. Also, you can go to the app store and download a free app called: WND.

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Filed under America, humor, mother, Writing, Commentary, World Net Daily

Does God Have A Sense of Humor?

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My new weekly column entitled, “Does God Have a Sense of Humor,” can be read by clicking here.

If you have an iPhone or iPad, you can sometimes read it better by using the Chrome browser rather than Safari. Also, you can go to the app store and download a free app called: WND.

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Filed under America, Christianity, Commentary, humor, Kingdom of God, Prophecy, World Net Daily, Writing

A One-Word Description of Mom: Feisty!

Mom was in a hurry to get home. Potatoes had to be peeled and the roast removed from the oven. No one in sight so she stepped on the gas as she passed through the Northern Illinois town of 1100 people.

Whrr! Whrr! A siren pierced through the stillness of the autumn evening.

Oh no! she thought. I’m in trouble. Freddy’s caught me! Now what?

She pulled the blue Pontiac over to the curb. A black police car pulled up behind her with its red light flashing. A man, resembling Broderick Crawford, stepped out of the car, adjusting his gun and holster as he walked toward her. She rolled down her window.

“So, Mrs. Nevenhoven, we meet again?” said officer Freddie Cannon. A smirk cutting across his lips.

“Yes, Freddie, we do,” replied Mom in a deadpan tone.

“Well, you were doing forty-five miles per hour  in a thirty mile per hour speed zone. I’ll have to ticket you,” he said.

Mom shrugged. “Okay! But I’m not paying it.”

“What?” he said. “It’ll only be thirty dollars!”

“I don’t care,” she replied with a set jaw. “I’m not paying it.”

He laughed. “Then, it’ll be thirty days in jail. How’d you like that?”

“Well, you’d better lock me up now! Because I’m not paying the fine.”

He stared into her eyes for a moment or so. Then, he shook his head. “No way am I going to put up with you for thirty days. Go!” He spun around and went back to the police car. Mom resumed her journey home.

(An excerpt from my memoir, The Hunt for Larry Who, Amazon eBook, 2014)

This is a true story.

Now, Mom would probably not choose the word feisty as a one-word description of herself. She’d rather have a more feminine adjective, but guess what?

Her husband, her two children, her five grandchildren, her many great-grandchildren and, at least, one police officer would agree with the one-word description.

Mom is feisty. Period.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You’re the best!

(Rerun from 2009)

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At Age Twenty-One, Santa Blew It Big Time for Me

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Usually my parents gave me clothes for Christmas presents during my years at the University of Illinois, but my mom surprised me in my senior year.

“Son, what do you want for Christmas?” she asked.

Her question caught me off guard so I thought a bit. “Well, I’d like a stereo,” I finally said.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, we’ll think about it,” she said, dropping the conversation.

I didn’t think any more about what my parents might buy me for Christmas because they were farmers.  Their incomes depended on corn and soy bean prices and sadly both grains were down in price that year. So, I had no idea what they had in mind.

A few days before Christmas, I arrived home. In the living room, the tree looked great as usual with numerous presents under it. As I sat on the sofa watching TV, mom walked into the room and stood next to me.

“Well, son,” she said, “what do you think you’re getting for Christmas?”

I rotated my forefinger above my other hand, indicating my gift would spin around in circles.

She smiled. “You always amaze me by being able to guess your present ahead of time from us,” she said, heading back into the kitchen.

My enthusiasm for Christmas soared at that moment. I’m actually going to get a stereo, I thought.

We opened presents two days later. As usual, Dad handed gifts to me in the order he wanted me to open them. Socks. Underwear. Ho hum! Striped shirt. Sweater. Double ho hum!

Then, he handed me a small package, maybe two inches by three inches.

The size shocked me, but I’m a lot like that little boy whose father believed he was the most optimistic child in the world. To prove his theory, the father covered the son’s bedroom with horse manure for his birthday and put a red ribbon on the door.

The boy came home from school, tore the ribbon off, opened the door, and screamed with joy. He ran around the room, jumping up and down in the manure.

“Why are you so happy?” asked the father.

“Because I know there’s a pony in here somewhere. I just have to find it,” said the boy.

So, I slowly removed the gift wrap, looking for my stereo and wondering where I would find it. But there in the box was a wristwatch. Although I was disappointed, I put it on.

“You figured out our surprise gift ahead of time, son,” dad said, shaking his head.

Praise God! My parents could not read my mind at that moment.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. See you after January 1st.

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Filed under Christians, Church, grace, Kingdom of God, Politics, Prophecy, spiritual warfare, Uncategorized, Writing

How Can I Laugh With Despair All Around Us?

“Jesus does not have a sense of humor,” proclaimed a young Christian after hearing me joke about something said.

“Really?” I replied, shocked at his words.

“Yes,” he said, “people are going to Hell all around us, starving in Africa, and sitting in prisons in North Korea. How could Jesus possibly have a smile on His face with all those troubles on His heart? Aren’t we supposed to be like Him?”

Sadly, I suffered brain freeze at that precise moment and could think of nothing to counter his arguments. Later on my drive home, I had an interesting experience.

As I drove my truck, I talked to the Lord. The first part of the conversation related to the young man’s statements. The Lord advised me to bless and pray for him, nothing else.

Then, I added, “Lord, You need to hurry up and get me married to *Trudy.”

Instantly, the truck’s cab filled with laughter. I could actually hear Jesus laughing and all of heaven laughing along with Him. The laughing was an all-out, grab your belly, roll on the floor laughter.

I began laughing. Tears rolled down my face and I was forced to pull the truck off the side of the road and sit there until the laughter passed.

Afterward, I wondered why the Lord and heaven laughed so much. Were my words funny? Or was He just happy for me?

One year later, I discovered the answers to my questions. I married Carol and not *Trudy. It seemed the joke was on me.

Now, I understand this is experiential, but does scripture back it up?

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:13 NLT)

For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. (Proverbs 15:15 NLT)

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. (Proverbs 17:22 NLT)

How many of us like to be around people who are serious and long faced all the time? Most likely, none of us.

If that’s the case, then how can we possibly believe Jesus walked around with a long, serious, woe-is-me look on His face all day long? After all, the people were drawn to Him, especially the children. And let me tell you, children shun long-faced, serious-minded people like the plague.

This does not mean Jesus did not weep with those who were weeping, He did. Yet, His personality was not stuck in one gear all the time. He enjoyed life and God’s creation.

Who created laughter and a sense of humor – God or Satan? Here’s a one word answer: Isaac.

In the Hebrew, the name Isaac means laughing one or laughter. Just think, God placed such an emphasis on having a good sense of humor and laughing that He named one of the patriarchs laughter.

Okay, as you can see, I enjoy a good laugh and believe having a sense of humor is important, especially in today’s word.

This does not mean I don’t weep for the prisoners in North Korea. Or the 11 million abandoned children in India. Or abortions in America. Or for other tragic circumstances. I do weep and am burdened for them.

But I don’t live my whole life in mourning and weeping all the time because I also enjoy life and a good laugh.

And I believe Jesus does, too.

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Joe Biden and Sarah Palin: A Rematch Made in Heaven

This is tongue and cheek fictional humor, okay? So, chill out.

Gwen Ifill, the PBS debate moderator, sat at her desk, watching Vice President Joe Biden and former Governor Sarah Palin shake hands and then take their places behind lucite podiums. Both nodded at Ifill when they were ready.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said Ifill, looking at the TV monitor, “we’d like to thank you for joining us for the Joe Biden and Sarah Palin Rematch 2012. Both Vice President Biden and former Governor Palin have graciously consented to debate each other tonight on current issues with all proceeds going to help our PBS sister stations.”

Ifill paused for a moment, allowing light applause from the audience to interrupt her.

“The format for tonight’s debate is that I will ask a question on a topic of current interest. The Vice President and the Governor will then have five minutes to reply. Each will  be allowed a counter reply if it is necessary. Okay?”

She eyed both Joe and Sarah, who both nodded to her.

“We will begin with Governor Palin,” said Ifill, who looked down at Palin’s feet. “Governor Palin, where did you get those lovely heels? They are absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks, Gwen,” said Sarah Palin, “I bought them at Nordstrom’s half-price sale just yesterday.”

“Half price!” exclaimed Ifill, shaking her head. “When’s the sale over?”

“Tonight.”

“Well,” said Ifill, “as soon as this debate is over, I’m heading over there. A woman can never have too many shoes. Thanks.”

Palin nodded and said, “You’re welcome, Gwen.”

Ifill turned toward Vice President Joseph Biden.

“Now, Vice President Biden, let’s look at the economy, okay?” said Gwen.

Biden’s eyes gleamed as he nodded.

“Some heterodox economists insist the money supply is endogenous,” said Gwen. “Now do you agree? In your answer, give specific references to neoclassical economists and mainstream economists with current figures for M0, M1, M2, M3, MZM, and the velocity of money. Also, explain in as few words as possible the term: atomistic individual conception.”

“W-wh-wha-what?” said Biden, his tongue attempting to gain traction on the roof of his mouth.

“You heard me,” said Ifill. Her eyes laser-locked on Biden’s eyes.

Vice President Biden beat his chest with his right hand and then he muttered Red Fox’s classic line: “Elizabeth, honey. This is the big one. I’m coming!”

A cheerful heart is good medicine…(Proverbs 17:22)

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A One-Word Description of Mom: Feisty!

Mom was in a hurry to get home. Potatoes had to be peeled and the roast removed from the oven. No one in sight so she stepped on the gas as she passed through the Northern Illinois town of 1100 people.

Whrr! Whrr! A siren pierced through the stillness of the autumn evening.

Oh no! she thought. I’m in trouble. Freddy’s caught me! Now what?

She pulled the blue Pontiac over to the curb. A black police car pulled up behind her with its red light flashing. A man, resembling Broderick Crawford, stepped out of the car, adjusting his gun and holster as he walked toward her. She rolled down her window.

“So, Mrs. Nevenhoven, we meet again?” said officer Freddie Cannon. A smirk cutting across his lips.

“Yes, Freddie, we do,” replied Mom in a deadpan tone.

“Well, you were doing forty-five miles per hour  in a thirty mile per hour speed zone. I’ll have to ticket you,” he said.

Mom shrugged. “Okay! But I’m not paying it.”

“What?” he said. “It’ll only be thirty dollars!”

“I don’t care,” she replied with a set jaw. “I’m not paying it.”

He laughed. “Then, it’ll be thirty days in jail. How’d you like that?”

“Well, you’d better lock me up now! Because I’m not paying the fine.”

He stared into her eyes for a moment or so. Then, he shook his head. “No way am I going to put up with you for thirty days. Go!” He spun around and went back to the police car. Mom resumed her journey home.

This is a true story.

Now, Mom would probably not choose the word feisty as a one-word description of herself. She’d rather have a more feminine adjective, but guess what?

Her husband, her two children, her five grandchildren, her many great-grandchildren and, at least, one police officer would agree with the one-word description.

Mom is feisty. Period.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You’re the best!

(Rerun from 2009)

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Filed under Christianity, humor