Category Archives: humor

The Day My Mom Told Off the Police Chief

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My new weekly column entitled, “The Day My Mom Told Off the Police Chief,”can be read by clicking here.

If you have an iPhone or iPad, you can perhaps read it better by using the Chrome browser rather than Safari. Also, you can go to the app store and download a free app called: WND.

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Filed under America, humor, mother, Writing, Commentary, World Net Daily

Does God Have A Sense of Humor?

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My new weekly column entitled, “Does God Have a Sense of Humor,” can be read by clicking here.

If you have an iPhone or iPad, you can sometimes read it better by using the Chrome browser rather than Safari. Also, you can go to the app store and download a free app called: WND.

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Filed under America, Christianity, Commentary, humor, Kingdom of God, Prophecy, World Net Daily, Writing

A One-Word Description of Mom: Feisty!

Mom was in a hurry to get home. Potatoes had to be peeled and the roast removed from the oven. No one in sight so she stepped on the gas as she passed through the Northern Illinois town of 1100 people.

Whrr! Whrr! A siren pierced through the stillness of the autumn evening.

Oh no! she thought. I’m in trouble. Freddy’s caught me! Now what?

She pulled the blue Pontiac over to the curb. A black police car pulled up behind her with its red light flashing. A man, resembling Broderick Crawford, stepped out of the car, adjusting his gun and holster as he walked toward her. She rolled down her window.

“So, Mrs. Nevenhoven, we meet again?” said officer Freddie Cannon. A smirk cutting across his lips.

“Yes, Freddie, we do,” replied Mom in a deadpan tone.

“Well, you were doing forty-five miles per hour  in a thirty mile per hour speed zone. I’ll have to ticket you,” he said.

Mom shrugged. “Okay! But I’m not paying it.”

“What?” he said. “It’ll only be thirty dollars!”

“I don’t care,” she replied with a set jaw. “I’m not paying it.”

He laughed. “Then, it’ll be thirty days in jail. How’d you like that?”

“Well, you’d better lock me up now! Because I’m not paying the fine.”

He stared into her eyes for a moment or so. Then, he shook his head. “No way am I going to put up with you for thirty days. Go!” He spun around and went back to the police car. Mom resumed her journey home.

(An excerpt from my memoir, The Hunt for Larry Who, Amazon eBook, 2014)

This is a true story.

Now, Mom would probably not choose the word feisty as a one-word description of herself. She’d rather have a more feminine adjective, but guess what?

Her husband, her two children, her five grandchildren, her many great-grandchildren and, at least, one police officer would agree with the one-word description.

Mom is feisty. Period.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You’re the best!

(Rerun from 2009)

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Filed under Christianity, humor, mother

Joe Biden and Sarah Palin: A Rematch Made in Heaven

This is tongue and cheek fictional humor, okay? So, chill out.

Gwen Ifill, the PBS debate moderator, sat at her desk, watching Vice President Joe Biden and former Governor Sarah Palin shake hands and then take their places behind lucite podiums. Both nodded at Ifill when they were ready.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said Ifill, looking at the TV monitor, “we’d like to thank you for joining us for the Joe Biden and Sarah Palin Rematch 2012. Both Vice President Biden and former Governor Palin have graciously consented to debate each other tonight on current issues with all proceeds going to help our PBS sister stations.”

Ifill paused for a moment, allowing light applause from the audience to interrupt her.

“The format for tonight’s debate is that I will ask a question on a topic of current interest. The Vice President and the Governor will then have five minutes to reply. Each will  be allowed a counter reply if it is necessary. Okay?”

She eyed both Joe and Sarah, who both nodded to her.

“We will begin with Governor Palin,” said Ifill, who looked down at Palin’s feet. “Governor Palin, where did you get those lovely heels? They are absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks, Gwen,” said Sarah Palin, “I bought them at Nordstrom’s half-price sale just yesterday.”

“Half price!” exclaimed Ifill, shaking her head. “When’s the sale over?”

“Tonight.”

“Well,” said Ifill, “as soon as this debate is over, I’m heading over there. A woman can never have too many shoes. Thanks.”

Palin nodded and said, “You’re welcome, Gwen.”

Ifill turned toward Vice President Joseph Biden.

“Now, Vice President Biden, let’s look at the economy, okay?” said Gwen.

Biden’s eyes gleamed as he nodded.

“Some heterodox economists insist the money supply is endogenous,” said Gwen. “Now do you agree? In your answer, give specific references to neoclassical economists and mainstream economists with current figures for M0, M1, M2, M3, MZM, and the velocity of money. Also, explain in as few words as possible the term: atomistic individual conception.”

“W-wh-wha-what?” said Biden, his tongue attempting to gain traction on the roof of his mouth.

“You heard me,” said Ifill. Her eyes laser-locked on Biden’s eyes.

Vice President Biden beat his chest with his right hand and then he muttered Red Fox’s classic line: “Elizabeth, honey. This is the big one. I’m coming!”

A cheerful heart is good medicine…(Proverbs 17:22)

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Jesus Has an iPod and Rocks to the Electric Light Orchestra

Don’t you hate off-the-wall titles for articles which serve only to titillate our minds into clicking onto the blog just to increase its readership? How vain! How pompous! Yet, it sometimes works…and you’re proof that it sometimes does.

But hang around, because there is some truth in the above title.

A few years ago, my wife suffered through some tough times. Her health and sales career took some direct hits by a couple of life’s torpedoes. She kept on marching straight ahead, like a good soldier, until that particular morning.

“I’m tired of my life because it’s never going to get better. So, I want to quit and give up,” she said with sad puppy dog eyes, ready to weep.

Usually, I can encourage my wife with a few scriptures or some of the prophetic promises for our lives. Yet on that particular day, whatever I said to her was like kindling wood and just increased her fire.

What did I do?

I prayed and asked the Lord to help me. He quietly answered and whispered to my heart, “ELO.”

Without thinking, I searched Youtube for the following:

I asked Carol to look and listen to the video. She resisted at first, but then she caved in to my pleas. And in the middle of the video, her attitude changed and she became once again, a mighty woman of God filled with faith.

Who knew, huh? That Jesus rocks to Electric Light Orchestra and uses it for His purposes.

And the iPod? That’s probably a wait and see for us mortals until we see Him face to face in His glory.

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A One-Word Description of Mom: Feisty!

Mom was in a hurry to get home. Potatoes had to be peeled and the roast removed from the oven. No one in sight so she stepped on the gas as she passed through the Northern Illinois town of 1100 people.

Whrr! Whrr! A siren pierced through the stillness of the autumn evening.

Oh no! she thought. I’m in trouble. Freddy’s caught me! Now what?

She pulled the blue Pontiac over to the curb. A black police car pulled up behind her with its red light flashing. A man, resembling Broderick Crawford, stepped out of the car, adjusting his gun and holster as he walked toward her. She rolled down her window.

“So, Mrs. Nevenhoven, we meet again?” said officer Freddie Cannon. A smirk cutting across his lips.

“Yes, Freddie, we do,” replied Mom in a deadpan tone.

“Well, you were doing forty-five miles per hour  in a thirty mile per hour speed zone. I’ll have to ticket you,” he said.

Mom shrugged. “Okay! But I’m not paying it.”

“What?” he said. “It’ll only be thirty dollars!”

“I don’t care,” she replied with a set jaw. “I’m not paying it.”

He laughed. “Then, it’ll be thirty days in jail. How’d you like that?”

“Well, you’d better lock me up now! Because I’m not paying the fine.”

He stared into her eyes for a moment or so. Then, he shook his head. “No way am I going to put up with you for thirty days. Go!” He spun around and went back to the police car. Mom resumed her journey home.

This is a true story.

Now, Mom would probably not choose the word feisty as a one-word description of herself. She’d rather have a more feminine adjective, but guess what?

Her husband, her two children, her five grandchildren, her many great-grandchildren and, at least, one police officer would agree with the one-word description.

Mom is feisty. Period.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. You’re the best!

(Rerun from 2009)

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Swimming Upstream: “”Here’s The Rest of the Story”

I grew up listening to Paul Harvey on WLS Radio every morning before I went to school. So, borrowing on his theme, this article tells The Rest of The Story for my Mother’s Day article:

A week before Officer Fred Cannon stopped Mom for speeding, a confrontation between him and her had occurred in his office at the town jail. The occasion? Three other boys and myself were accused of overturning an outhouse on Halloween.

You have to understand that this scene did not take place in an interrogation room at LAPD with a good-cop, bad-cop routine attempting to break apart a gangbanger’s alibi. It took place in a small, stuffy police office in the middle of a town with a population of 1,150 people.

The accused – us four boys – sat on wooden chairs lined up in front of Officer Cannon’s desk. Our parents stood directly behind us. Cannon sat in a swivel chair behind his desk. A bright light shone over his left shoulder into our faces. No other lights were on.

Cannon laid out our despicable crime to everybody. He summed up by adding, “I know these boys are seniors in high school. They have high hopes of  playing basketball on the school team this winter. But who knows? A crime like this could make them ineligible. What do you parents think?”

“Officer Cannon, whatever you decide, I’ll back you,” said one parent. Two other sets of parents nodded in agreement.

Cannon turned toward my parents. “What about the Nevenhoven’s?”

Mom glared at him. “Freddie, this is so stupid. I don’t really care what you do. We’re going square dancing!”

Mom and Dad turned around and left. The door slammed behind them.

The other three sets of parents began laughing. The  accused – including me – laughed so hard we almost fall out of our chairs. The meeting ended moments later.

So,where’s the scriptural principle in all of this, right?

A man has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word. (Proverbs 15:23)

Swimming Upstream appears at this blog site on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It’s  a little of this and a little of that, all written  to encourage and exhort believers in their Christian journeys.

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